Cinnaman

Major Report on Blog Corruption: Watch Out

By Cinnaman and Geraldo Rivera

Fearless to a fault, we have decided to blow the lid off of a sinister attack on morality that is threatening the integrity of the Internet culture. (Editor’s Note: Geraldo is on assignment extracting sand from his grin in Iraq, but he inserted this in Cinnaman’s report: “What he said.”)

Listen up, folks, because this blogging danger is very complicated and we need to dumb-it down for you like Bill O’Reilly. OK?

What we’re about to reveal stinks, guys, stinks as bad as Product Placement in movies. Understand Product Placement? Picture a dramatic scene with swollen-lipped sizzler Angelina Jolie sitting at lunch across from Harrison Ford, torn between making love to him and taking him to Eckerd’s for some Metamucil. ( http://www.metamucil.com/ )

On the table sits a prison kitchen-sized can of Dinty Moore Beef ™ Stew which appears there for no reason other than the subtle promotion of that reliable, lip-smacking favorite that American mothers have served for many decades. (It can be a little salty, but Geraldo says that helps in climates such as Iraq.) (http://www.hormel.com/brands/brandview3.asp?id=106&catitemid=3)

That isn’t about acting or entertainment. It is about money and personal gain. Movie makers get money for this and Harrison Ford grunts home free cases of the unique-tasting Dinty Moore Beef Stew and fiberific Metamucil ™. (Jolie has a puffy pie hole and can't eat stew because it won't fit through her gold-plated Armani food straw.)

Tinsel Town’s Big Grab began years ago when the blockbuster E.T. film gave a starring role to Reese’s Pieces ™ candy and producers got cash and complimentary cases of the Pieces, which are the creative way to enjoy the creamy taste of REESE'S peanut butter. http://www.hersheys.com/products/details/reesespieces.asp


This evil has spread. Now comes this headline on the website of Ad Age, the advertising bible: “IBM Sees Blogging As Marketing’s Next Big Thing – Company’s ‘Blogger-in-Chief’ Encourages Employees to Publish to the Outside World.”

The IBM Blogger Boss said: “This is a way to get out expertise out there, not by shoving it down their throats, but by just starting conversations. It expands our reputation, perceptions and reach of IBM, at the same time expanding the number of people we can learn from.”

Learn from? Not selling? Hah! As Dick Cheney told Carl Woodward: “You can smear Softsoap ™ on a pig, but that doesn’t mean anybody will buy that pig, or even kiss it, despite the product’s antibacterial qualities and fabulous fragrances.” (http://www.colgate.com/app/Softsoap/US/HandSoap.cvsp )

Sucn a trend will lead to widespread temptation of the little people on the Internet, bloggers without the vast audience of Cinnaman, who up till now have been toiling in obscurity for endless hours, solely for psychic income and to get away from kids who need diaper changes or sex talks.

The shrewder bloggers will realize that this commercial application, if done with a feather touch, will easily bring them fame and fortune. Here is a pure hypothetical:

I need a watch. I really do. I was given a free one for 20 years’ service with a Philadelphia string band (GKSB), but it finally succumbed to a manufacturing defect (it apparently dropped into the factory rice bowl during a working lunch.)

A less scrupulous blogger, with such a need, might find a way to work the words “Rolex Watch” into his or her post, maybe even include a link to Rolex (for example, http://www.rolex.com/en ) and hopefully wait for some signal from Rolex that a free timepiece, let’s say an Oyster Professional, one of the finest watches known to manhood and womankind, would somehow find its way to his or her mail slot at 57 Havatampa Lane, Whipsnade NJ 08073. For promotional considerations.

Who would know? Especially if the watch were to be packaged in a Reese’s Peanut Butter box with a low perceived monetary value (despite the seductive taste of Reese’s) that would not alert the mail carrier.

The sell-out could go far beyond free candy or Dinty Moore stew or watches. Everything from a gold-plated Grand Artist Megatone plectrum banjo, a world class instrument (http://www.omebanjos.com/grandartistgallery.html) that probably could be shipped in a cheap vacuum cleaner box, to the ultimate possession in life, the 2006 Lexus SC 430, which would keep on giving to the great grandkids and beyond (http://www.lexus.com/models/sc/index.html), would be touted in these disgraceful blogs. (You don’t cover up an SC 430. You flaunt it and no one dares challenge.)

Do you see where these could be headed? Be alert, folks. Check out the product references on this page time and again to consider just how low this scheme can go?

These aren’t emails from phony Nigerian treasurers asking you for a loan. These are your blogger friends being led into temptation. Keep the web pure.

And if the Rolex folks somehow view this blog, keep this in mind as well.

Geraldo needs one too.

posted by Lou Antosh @ 8:11 PM